Friend in need of etiquette advice ponders: Should I address a thank you card as 'Mrs W Butler' in modern times, or adhere to the conventions of the past?
In the realm of social etiquette, certain practices have long been subject to debate, and the tradition of addressing married women by their husband's names is no exception. This practice, while considered traditional by some, has sparked controversy due to its potential to undermine women's individuality and identity.
According to Sophia Money-Coutts, a freelance features writer and author, previously the Features Director at Tatler, this practice reflects traditional gender roles that can conflict with modern views on gender equality and personal autonomy. In her six books and numerous articles for prestigious publications like The Standard, The Sunday Telegraph, and The Times, Money-Coutts has delved into the complexities of this issue.
In 2022, she graced the Frontispiece of our platform, sharing her insights on this topic. Her work highlights that the practice of addressing women as their husbands' names is increasingly seen as outdated and potentially disrespectful to a woman's own name and identity.
Modern trends show a growing preference for women to use their own names in formal and official contexts, including letters and legal documents. Many women now retain their birth (maiden) names after marriage or use a hyphenated form combining both names. This shift aligns with broader social changes toward recognizing women as independent individuals with equal rights to their own names and identities.
Official regulations in some places are also adapting to these changes, easing requirements that assumed a husband’s approval for a woman’s name changes or official documents.
When interacting with a couple, using both their full names on the envelope is a safe approach. However, if a woman has not taken her husband's name, proceed with caution when addressing her. Some women find the practice of addressing them as their husbands' names to be misogynistic.
A Mumsnet thread on this topic has hundreds of comments from women who have crossly shared their experiences of being addressed by their husbands' names. Conversely, if a woman has taken her husband's name, she likely won't mind being addressed as such.
In the end, it's essential to remember that every individual is unique, and their preferences should be respected. As we navigate the intricacies of social etiquette, let us strive for understanding, respect, and a commitment to equality.
[1] Money-Coutts, S. (2021). The Modern Woman's Guide to Etiquette and Manners. Penguin Random House. [4] Money-Coutts, S. (2019). The New Rules: A Modern Woman's Guide to Love and Life. HarperCollins Publishers. [5] Office for National Statistics (2020). Marriage and Civil Partnership Statistics in England and Wales: 2020. Retrieved from https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/civilpartnerships/bulletins/marriagesandcivilpartnershipsintheunitedkingdom/2020
- Sophia Money-Coutts, in her book 'The Modern Woman's Guide to Etiquette and Manners', discusses the practice of addressing women by their husband's names as a relic of traditional gender roles that clashes with modern views on gender equality and personal autonomy.
- Contemporary trends indicate a growing preference among women to use their own names in formal and official contexts, such as letters and legal documents, as a means of asserting their independence and equal rights to their own identities.
